How to Turn a Crisis into an Opportunity

Why Voice Dialogue with our younger selves could be the key to an easier life.

Reading time: 3 minutes

Sometimes, something that blindsides us, like an argument, a firing, or a breakup, will make us take a beat in our busy lives. And once we’ve licked our wounds and let the righteous indignation fade, we might question a few things about our lives and wonder how we got here.

The answers might lie with our younger selves, and that probably doesn’t come as a surprise to readers here. But have you got to a stage where you feel your younger selves need a good talking to? Your inner four-year-old who is experimenting with the stove’s hotplates, your ten-year-old running with scissors, and there’s a 15-year-old sitting in her room with the lights off, depressed and listening to REM.

Maybe they don’t need a talking to; maybe they need a listening to. Maybe they need someone to understand how hard it was to be four, or ten, or 15. That someone is us, with all the insights and wisdom we have now.

We need to go back and help that young person heal, which, in turn, will make our present lives easier. This is where Voice Dialogue can help.

Voice what?

Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) identifies Fire Fighters, Exiles, and Managers as some of our internal voices.

Voice Dialogue was a precursor to IFS and assumes countless selves, or sub-personalities, which developed as we grew. Each self had its own beliefs and ideas, and its primary role was to protect us when we were vulnerable. Because of these beliefs, they often give rise to our adult conscious and non-conscious beliefs.

There are a lot of similarities and differences between Voice Dialogue and IFS, but for brevity, I’ll focus on our Inner Child – the original vulnerable self.

My Inner Child shows up during yoga. I try to stretch, but she wants to keep me small and crumpled up, so my lower back and hips get stiff. Luckily, when I still my mind I ask her to show me what she’s trying to tell me.

She gives me a picture of being bullied at school, aged about 11 years. She believes that if I can keep myself out of sight, I’ll be out of mind to the bullies – hence crumpled and small, probably behind the tree in the playground.

Here’s how your Inner Child might show up

When we find we’re repeating patterns in life, have a persistent critical voice, or chronic pain or health issues, this might be an Inner Child thing. Many Inner Child manifestations in adult life are about staying safe. For example, do you keep picking a partner who shuts down and is unemotional? Are they like a parent who was otherwise a good parent, just a bit distant? Your Inner Child believes “This partner is like mum/dad, so they’re ok.”

Always bending yourself into a pretzel to make others happy because you’re a chronic people-pleaser? “I am only safe or loved if I’m useful and easy.”
Are you clingy and overwhelming in relationships? “People always leave. I must hold on tightly.”
The over-worker who can’t complete a project until it’s perfect? “If I’m not perfect, I’ll be rejected or punished.”
The one who avoids intimacy with people? Partners, friends, even family members? “Closeness is dangerous. Vulnerability leads to pain.”
Do you seek reassurance and praise to feel worthy? “My value comes from what others say about me.”
Is it difficult to trust others – you’re super-independent and don’t want to rely on others? “The only person I can rely on is me.”

The list of beliefs and patterns we carry with us is endless.

The upside is that we can get in touch with these Inner Children/selves and help them tell us better stories. Our other, less vulnerable, child selves might be magical and playful, for example. Sometimes we need to introduce a vulnerable Inner Child to a more confident one we also have inside – perhaps the one who loves playing in the garden sunshine, or the sassy one who doesn’t take any nonsense.

How to find the inner child

When I “see” my bullied inner 11-year-old, I feel her trying to pull me back into the foetal position while I’m trying to stretch. So, I show her an alternative picture – one of her being kick-ass with those bullies and beating them into next week - and my tight muscles start to release.

The idea with Voice Dialogue is to identify and study how these multiple selves work in us: how they affect our relationships, our decision making and how we can help them help us.

We’re not mentally unwell with these multiple selves because you know them: they’re not hidden as they would be in Multiple Personality Disorder.

Write a letter or try a free writing experiment to get in touch with your Inner Child. If you use a journal, you know the magic of pen and paper, and how thoughts bypass the brain and come out in ink.

Choose a quiet moment, in a comfortable place, with your favourite beverage, and relax your mind. Your to-do list is someone else’s problem for the next 20 minutes.

“Dear Little Me, What do you need me to know about…?” And choose a situation/behaviour/belief that is troubling.

Then, allow Little You to write a reply, with all she wants to tell you. Be patient and let her come in her own time.

Meditation is about harnessing your attention and there’s plenty of good advice here. Gently push aside intrusive thoughts and let your Inner Child communicate with you.

She may give you pictures and/or words that form in your mind. There’s nothing mystical, but it is magical when you realise how clever the mind really is.

Just move and shoot the breeze. When I’m out walking and feel bothered by something, I’ll ask myself what’s going on. Thankfully, I live in the middle of nowhere, and the dog doesn’t pay any attention to my quiet chatter. The air is fresh, clean and full of seasonal rural scents, which remind me to breathe.

Often, I get an idea of what the problem is, what’s blocking my thoughts or why I don’t want to take the next step on a project.

Last thoughts

A combination of movement and mindful interrogation is powerful. We have the signposts we need inside ourselves if we let them speak to us.

This is an ongoing practice as there’s always more to learn from the inside out. They’re skills that last a lifetime and are also great for teaching to teens.