Life isn’t all Black and White - How Black and White Thinking holds you back

You go to a new yoga class and the person on the mat next to you makes conversation after the session.  They are bright and shiny, interesting and intelligent.  They’re fun to be around and you have lots of similar interests.  You swap ideas on podcasts and books and have coffee together.  What a great person to be around.

Over lunch, your shiny new person makes a political comment that you find offensive to your own world views.

They miss class and when you send a message you don’t get a reply.

How can this be? Your friend has let you down.  They at last send you a message and you hit ‘delete’ without replying.  You block their number and cast them from your life.  It’s all over. They’re not the person you thought.

Sound familiar to some degree? This is an example of black and white thinking.

What is black and white thinking and where does it come from?

Sometimes it’s called:

• all-or-nothing thinking,
• dichotomous thinking, or
• polarised thinking.

It’s a cognitive distortion. This is something our thinking-brain does which changes the reality of a situation. The brain wants to keep us safe because the world is an unpredictable place; but a predictable pattern = safety.  If we can predict something by applying ‘always’ or ‘never’ to it for example, the brain is happy.

If we believe ‘People always disappoint me so I won’t try and make new friends’ or ‘I’m never any good at job interviews so why bother’ we can predict the future and feel safe.  And chances are our extreme statements will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

While many of us have some extremes of thinking in some aspects or some moments of life, black and white thinking can come along with mental health and personality problems.  These include narcissism, Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, anxiety, depression, perfectionism, and trauma.

Sometimes people who hold strong religious, political or ideological beliefs can also be subject to this type of mental gymnastics.

Why is black and white thinking a problem?

In the scenario at the top of the page, all the great things about the new companion and the developing relationship are lost if you block that person from your life.

This sort of extreme thinking means you can draw the wrong conclusions about a person or situation.  From the example above:

• did they miss class because they didn’t want to see you?
• when you sent a message and didn’t get a reply. They were in a meeting, then got a call to say their child was sick and had other things to think about.
• at lunch, that political comment you found offensive? Everyone is different. That’s what makes the world a rich and interesting place.

So, it can mean you quit a job or walk away from a relationship (romantic, business, friendship), and don’t resolve or understand the real issue.

In learning or trying new things, black and white thinking can lead to ‘it’s amazing’ or ‘it’s rubbish’ thoughts depending how the experience pans out.

Alternatively, the thought could be ‘I’m amazing’ (because I succeeded) or ‘I’m rubbish’ (because I failed) which leads to an unrealistic perception of oneself – either narcissistic tendencies at one end or low self-esteem at the other.

Another example is in exercise and diet.  Label foods ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and you miss out on life’s pleasures in the not-so-good-but-great-as-a-treat foods.

Eat a single cookie and the diet is all over.

Miss a session of your new yoga class and that’s the whole regimen blown out of the water.

These limiting beliefs hold us back in many ways and stop us reaching our potential and living a full life.